We all know what a turd is, it’s the thing which got stuck to my shoe on the day a very beautiful lady came to photograph our very shabby house for an important magazine; this is because I am a very famous writer in case any of you have not heard. My houses were once described as “ shabby chic without the chic “. That is spot on I think, any way on the day in question, which was last week I did a very thorough styling job and put some things away including the Sainted One who was sent out . I thought a nice touch would be flowers in the summer house, because then this would reveal that I was a perfect person who even had time for frills of this kind. I did this at the last moment and then rushed in from the garden and rattled upstairs to do a quick check. I noticed a terrible smell, and upon further investigation found I had a dog pooh stuck to my shoe . I frantically removed it and put it down the loo. Then I had to retrace my steps all the way through the house with disinfectant. Later on I went upstairs and saw to my horror the offending item was floating smugly in the loo of the en suite. You can imagine how I felt . There has been a lot of discussion about whether or not the beautiful lady would have been into that room, the Sainted One said something about “well what does it matter we are all human aren’t we?” The jury is out.
Now this question of human brings me to tarts, not the ones you eat but the female sort. Isn’t it typical of the adorable French, that they have made things so much easier for the Maths Teacher who fell in love with a very pretty girl, who was nearly sixteen at the time of their elopement to that haven of sexual good sense. Girls are fully mature three years after their first period and in England girls have their first menstruation at an average age of twelve. I have heard many male persons referring to this mature young woman as a tart, what on earth is the matter with them? Haven’t they read history? Girls were regularly wedded and bedded by the age of fourteen in royal circles as recently as two hundred years ago and in many places still are. They were ruthlessly traded dragged to the slaughter of the marital chamber by lascivious old men. This girl fell in love with a man no more than fifteen years older than herself, remember that Juliet of the great romance was fourteen. Which one of these envious old sex police would not like to run away with a woman fifteen years younger than himself ???? Actually it happens on a regular basis, perfectly nice wives are put out to grass in favour of some adventurous bit of fluff, of would they call her a tart? It’s often a case of “mundus vult decipi” serves them right I say, but not the maths teacher because there was no financial incentive that was love wasn’t it.