One Log, One Life One Man?

I had a conversation with a very nice man the other day about the Nuclear family. “No”, he said firmly “people are not meant to live like that, the Mormons have got it exactly right, a man should have several wives, women get on well together and bringing up the children is then a communal effort.” I thought about this a lot and have begun to think there something to be said for this. My reasoning is as follows, firstly it would avoid this blame the mother thing. You have committed a crime the moment you give birth it seems to me just by being a mother, a sitting duck to be blamed for everything . All psychotherapy will substantiate that, straight to the jugular every time “ tell me about your mother then”!!!!! Just imagine if there were a whole group of wives. Secondly, the man wouldn’t stand a chance, he would be kept in order I can tell you. It’s too late for me, but sisters all, if you get the opportunity think on this ; there was a picture of a group of Mormon wives in the paper the other day, all smiling and jolly. I looked at carefully and thought they were a happy crowd, like a family group of elephants, where all the lady elephants care for the babies while the male gets out of their hair and does what men really want to do, get out there and kill things.

There are many things about nuptial bliss which are sometimes hard to cope with, the awful word retirement should never be used; what it means for most women is this person moving in on your well-ordered life and thinking they could do it oh so very much better. A piece of advice for women faced with this alien in the home, if he starts to vacuum you have lost the battle go get yourself a good lawyer. But by and large I am very lucky because the Sainted One does look quite nice and respects my obsession with personal hygiene. I had a terrible experience sitting next to nasal hair the other day. I had just recovered from this by thinking about Hugh Jackman quite lot, he has rather flared nostrils perfectly hair free. But unfortunately we went out to dinner and a man had what looked like a mountain blizzard coming out of his ears. We had a very nice pudding with icing sugar on it which I could not eat. Really, you see, if these men had a troupe of wives they would never be allowed to get away with it.

We are in our Island home and the one log routine is getting worse, the Sainted One has a thing about keeping a fire going with one log. It is a ritual which can go on for half the evening, the trick is to keep turning it over until the last ember has turned to ash. There is a wonderful song I know it’s called “Big John” It has a great chorus which goes “ big John big bad John”. The lyrics are excellent for word changing there is one verse which goes, “ He was broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip and everyone knew you didn’t give no lip to Big John.” I must be a ghastly person to live with in some respects, there are some glorious versions of this which I have perfected over the years . My God daughter and I got rather merry recently and the Sainted One burst into rendition of Blue Moon and we behaved very badly changing the words especially “ you saw me standing alone, you knew just what I was there for,” I won’t write them here because they are not suitable for family reading . I am terrible at laughing at my own jokes they keep me happy for hours. The less they are appreciated ( by some people!) the more hilarious they become.

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