The Sainted One thinks I have poisoned him. The offending item is a lovely piece of haddock left for him while I embarked on one my marathon forty eight hour chatting sessions with very funny clever friends in Sussex. On my return the atmosphere was grim and resentful. No amount of logic can disabuse the accuser even though I am still very upset by the lavatory brush incident. I have assured him that should I decide to dispatch him it would not be with a piece of haddock. I have been thinking about this whilst being assailed by the trivia occupying the minds and hearts of the country’s representatives in Parliament. Are they all mad and unfit for purpose I ask myself? The Sainted One gets very pompous and defensive when people rant about this as I do , but let me tell you something, I think there is something peculiar in the air in Westminster, quite normal people turn into puffed up idiots the moment they get there. Then there is the effect this has on their families they drive them mad, the last few year has seen a graveyard of political marriages and vengeful wives, who will go to any lengths to destroy their testosterone crazed “manopausal” husbands. We are seeing this played out time and again. Actually I wish the stars of this particular rocky horror show looked nicer, it would make it much more fun if they didn’t all look like a car crash, how other countries must laugh as they see the headlines in the British papers, sex scandals in other countries always involve fabulous looking women and the “ dolce vita” and slick looking blokes who would be a great dinner date. I wish male Members of Parliament looked more like Hugh Jackman, but they don’t they all look a bit seedy. Anyway back to the strange case of the poisoned haddock, I think the Sainted One’s paranoia about this is attributable to the visceral goings on in Parliament, once they have tasted the poisoned chalice they never get over it you see.
Poor Chris Huhne anyone who is gloating about his nemesis today should think carefully. Three Hundred thousand people have switched points on their driving licences according to the AA. The real truth about all this is that the offence was committed before the man got into Parliament, at that time presumably he did not realize the possible implications of this once his life was public property, I should know, parliamentary families suffer terribly from lack of privacy, I have lived with that. This is not to say that swopping points on your driver’s licence is acceptable of course it isn’t, this minor incident came back to bite him because he thought he could continue to be a private person when he entered Parliament. He embarked on a quest for personal happiness as he saw it. But hell hath no fury etc and his wife was dangerously riled . His children sent him hate mail and the driving incident was resurrected with all the vehemence of a suicide bombing, I wish Mrs Huhne had had a good friend who could have told her to let it all go, brought herself a wonderful house in Tuscany made him pay for it and shopped till she dropped then taken a lover or two and had a ball , because as a friend said to me once “ You can’t put the “cock” back “.
But she didn’t. An entire family is brought down, many lives are ruined and it is awful to behold. Of course it will remind us of the Profumo affair, what brought down that man was the fact that he lied to Parliament, he could probably have got away with boffing a call girl. But Huhne will probably make good use of his time in prison writing letters for other prisoners and advising them on legal matters, because that is what posh blokes do in prison. He will probably have a serious moment and become born again and become a lay preacher. One can’t help feeling desperately sorry for them all.
In our house we are suffering from over kill , why is Dave always on the TV in some foreign part wearing that dreadful blue suit , even in the most extreme of climates it the same suit, same words, same message, same enlarged forehead never sweating like everyone else, and the suit remains perfect never dusty or creased. Does he go about in some sort of protective rubber clothing which is removed just before he comes on screen? … which reminds me …. You know what one very naughty cartoonist said about Dave’s head he really must change his hair. But I digress with Dave there is always a lecture, faintly patronizing, and it’s about the dreadful state of which ever country he is going to save with taxpayers money. Take a look round you at home Dave, but you will need to jettison that awful statement suit and get some serious flack wear . The Country is going to the dogs Dave, people are freezing to death sleeping rough on the streets in all major cities , hundreds of people are dead because of failings on the NHS. Children are not being educated … you name it Dave it’s all on your own doorstep, you don’t need to go to Africa. You fiddle while your own country disintegrates. If you are sleeping rough on the street or being thrown out of your home, because you have lost your job and can’t pay the mortgage you don’t give a toss about Gay Marriage. Take that suit off Dave and get your hands dirty your country needs you, or perhaps it doesn’t?
The Sainted One’s word processor has packed up! I vaguely suggested that it might be beyond repair as it is ten years old and the printer is all of twenty, Needless to say I got my head bitten off” It’s brand new”, I was told. I nodded and muttered something nasty. It’s the same when the window cleaner comes for the twice yearly clean “ they were done last week” we are always informed. And then there were the missing snow boots, they went years ago because they had some sort of insect colony creating their own biosphere inside them. “I wore them last winter,” was the cry I thought I heard weeping from the study ,but I wasn’t sure, it could have been the TV. There always seems to be someone giving birth on the TV screaming and shouting with many people staring I don’t think I remember births like that. I would have got my face slapped. All the midwives were rather unpleasant. I remember and there was a lot about taking an aspirin and calming down because you might upset the other mothers. And there was the odd lofty consultant wearing a bow tie for obvious reasons . All these horrible birth scenes should do wonders for population control.