The Dog who Eats Handbags and Tampax.

My dog Beatrice has an eating disorder, she likes to eat everything except the food which is lovingly prepared for her. She has a particular liking for biros of any colour , and handbags which are left on the floor by elegant guests, the other day the Literary agent of the year came to dinner; she was rightly proud of her new Handbag. When she put her hand down to retrieve it after dinner, it was minus both handles, she was exquisitely polite about it and refused compensation. This was bad enough, but Beatrice, ( the dog) chose another handbag this week, it was the contents that attracted her most. She rummaged about for a bit and chose a Tampax, this she began to consume at the Sainted Ones feet during luncheon. The SO, who professes not to know anything about such things, noticed this and immediately reproved moi down the crowded table, inexplicable crimes are always laid at my door. This made matters even more embarrassing, because one on the guests observed the offending item and suggested that the owner of the Tampax could not possibly be moi. Of course I thought this was hilarious; actually I do know a very phony woman who wears maternity clothes although she is all of seventy five, she remarked the other day, in the hinterland in which she resides both mentally and geographically, that people often thought she was pregnant. Some people should be taken to Peter Jones and made to try on bathing suits in the three way mirror. Fat Mate just fat….! but that is not Beatrice’s problem, the vet has cracked it , all Beatrice’s food must be served off a china plate and slightly warmed. I did once hear of a man whose eyes popped out when he achieved sexual pleasure , he apparently always carried a silver spoon in his pocket, which had to be warmed and gently oiled to put them back. I don’t know if this is true, but it is hard to imagine the scenario, eyes on the pillow and the silver spoon being whipped out off the bedside table, or perhaps he kept the silver spoon ????? well you all know what I mean.

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