Hairy Builders, Pink Buckets, Breast Cancer,No Naked Women on the Wall Please, and Literati Bollocks.

On Saturday I went to the AGM of Cruse Bereavement Care to which I have just had the great honour of being appointed a patron. The guest speaker was Ian Church Director of PTS Plumbing Trade Supplies, who have just adopted Cruse as their charity. He gave one of the best speeches I have ever heard, just the right mixture of humour and a very good use of the pause . One of the stories he told was getting some of his hunky drivers to drive trucks that were painted pink in aid of Breast Cancer Research (their previous charity), he also issued them with pink buckets. This was a stroke of genius and the firms drivers and builders were given a hero’s welcome nationwide. As my daughter has breast cancer, I am very grateful to people like him, who buy into the fight against this horrible disease. I bet PTS will produce something astonishing for Cruse, they chose us because they thought the work we do should be more widely known, and of all the presentations this was the one in which they could see they could do so much to help.

Really Hilary Mantel should cut to the chase and learn from people like Ian Church who move in the real world folks, they speak plain English. Ms Mantel was asked to make a comment about Doris Lessing’s writing this week, she has just died at the great age of ninety one. Mantel said something to the effect that “ she seems to take a gloomy God Like pleasure in pointing out the defects of human nature and by implication removes herself,” what on earth does she mean? Does she mean that Lessing was a stuck up bitch or what? Or was it something to do with the moment when Lessing was told on her doorstep that she had won the Nobel Prize and said “Oh Christ”. Mantel must be very challenging to live with, I wonder what she would say if you asked her if she had put the bins out, maybe “ I am unable to engage in the area of human deleterious at the present moment in time, and by implication remove myself from the domestic trivia of ordinary people, I am consulting the Vatican and will be asking you to look at the colour of the smoke issuing from the papal chimney.” Actually I never got on with Lessing , her work made me feel depressed but Mantel couldn’t say that of course.

The Sainted One is in high dudgeon because I have hung two very attractive nudes on the wall in the drawing room; he thinks those kinds of pictures are only suitable for bathrooms. Of course this has been an invitation to the rather straight forward humour for which I am so beloved. He would not have done well in the royal courts of Europe or indeed in Queen Victoria’s reception rooms.

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