One or two people send us those painful “self serving” round robins about their own and their families achievements plus the odd sensational health detail. The most recent we received was so unintentionally hilarious that I took it to very thespian and hysterical lunch where we took it in turns to read it out (with graphic innuendo of course) to a delighted audience. It is now doing the rounds to great acclaim. The bits about editorship of the local parish magazine are particularly popular. I tried to think of what I would put in my own to beef it up a bit and couldn’t think of anything. Really people should not do this it makes them look so smug.
At the same lunch we talked about the sexual desires of men and it was decided that American men, for some reason, like to go down the Clinton road, well you all know what I mean. One of the women pointed out that it was a good way of getting the whole thing done and dusted quickly, so that you could get on with more serious things like shopping and failing your nails. One of them then suggested that “head” came from America like burgers and other fast foods, I am very quick you know so I got the vernacular.
The girls at the at the Sainsbury’s check out are convinced I run a hotel, the mountain of food in this house has now reached industrial proportions, the Sainted One came with me on the latest trip, which redeemed him from the appalling remark earlier in the day, when being treated to one of my sweet and dazzling smiles, for which I am so renowned and beloved, he commented, that it was nice to see a smile on my face for a change. Things were very frosty here after that. I am sure the accompaniment to the shopping trip was also to check that we are not running an illicit trade in what is known as toilet cleaner, my assistant in these matters writes it on the list all the time. This set me thinking about the horrible public evisceration of the gorgeous Nigella. Frankly anyone who spends all their time in a kitchen, even if it is in a studio would have to get buzzed up on something. Kitchens are fine, but at the moment food is all everyone here thinks about food all the time and sometimes I think I might run amok with the mixer. …… Nigella is just like everyone else after all people will love her even more because the goddess has feet of clay.
In a gathering of people the other day, I was the only one not having cyber sex with an i phone, I say that advisedly of course. It was a very dull thing to be with these people who were involved in what is really a kind of cerebral masturbation, in other words a party for one, which occasioned little laughs and gestures . Eventually one of them looked up irritated by my annoying attempts to engage them in a a more social kind of intercourse, and asked my in a patronizing way, why on earth I did not have a proper phone and a tablet, and suggested it was time I got into the real world. I left and got a bus in which I had an attack of vertigo because I had to go upstairs, there was no doubt people thought I was drunk. Life is just not fair.