The Sainted One has four silver spoons which he won four years running in a Parliamentary ski race. They reside in a drawer, along with some other ones, a rather random selection actually. Anyway I used one of the Parliamentary spoons the other day to eat my cereal. This came to the attention of the ever vigilant S. O. and I was greeted with a stern sepulchral face and was informed that the spoons were far too good for me to put in my mouth. Well you see what came out of my mouth quick as a flash was the suggestion to the S. O. that his proprietorial affection for the spoons was something someone like moi might find difficult to appreciate, because I was born with so many of them sticking out of my mouth ( which is one of the many things people find so wonderfully impressive of course ) so really he could take the spoons and put them somewhere else, fulfilling a no doubt pre planned destiny, and at the same time avoiding the risk of tarnishing etc. This took a bit of time to sink in, and while it did I left the house to catch the train from Clapham Junction to spend the day in Haywards Heath, where I suspect many of the inhabitants eat off real silver spoons. The whole affair was sinister in its implications. Politicians and spoons there is a thought .
I knew a man who was most upset when Private Eye carried a story which claimed that when he had sexual intercourse his eyes would pop out at the moment critique, and his partner would have to put them back in with a warm oiled silver spoon which he kept by the bed for that purpose, I suspect there was some truth in this the great and the good are very complex and not always very savoury in their sexual behaviour , the whole matter must have narrowed his chances quite considerably. There was also another story which I could not possibly repeat, silver spoon or no silver spoon.
I attended a conservative party rally once where a repulsive youth insulted Michael Hazeltine, a doughty lady in a husky and pearls bore down on the loathsome youth and said, “ when God created your mouth he created the perfect arshole.” There is definitely a theme here.