You Forckuffy? Skinny is Bad for You, Phonie Foodies and The Beadle in The Kitchen.

OMG what has happened to peoples stomachs? Half the world is starving and the other half is stomach obsessed and wants to starve. The yummy mummies are going to be hypnotised now to get themselves off coffee, the nipote is earning his tuition fees by serving coffee to these morphic females. A typical order from one of these idiotic stick insects will go “Okaya a skinny flat white, with cinnamon shot, dry and very hot,”

This is a perfect profile of the average customer on these occasions except for the “hot” bit, I am told shagging these women is like boning an ironing board. My cleaning assistant has experience of the awful domestic arrangements of some of these specimens, they read all those frantic colour supplements full of food pictures but in reality they do not know ho0w to open an oven. What is it all for , I ask myself? Actually they can all Fucoffee. I like Elizabeth David, who taught me to cook when I was eighteen; bring on the dairy products, potatoes, and lots of chocolate.

My Girls (the spaniels) started kicking off yesterday, they told me to look out of the window. I did, and saw a frantic Beadle trapped in our newly landscaped garden. The Nipote was here and together we managed to chorale it into my neighbours garden. He is a very famous singer who hates dogs because one bit him in Atlanta Georgia from whence he comes. We got hold of the dogs identity disk and rang the number where he supposedly resides. After a lot of argie we were told the dog was in “Daycare” and not in my garden. …. This was a very irritating conversation and I will not bore you with it, but eventually the two owners suggested that I look after it until, they finished work ……I took the darn thing home, and it tried to mount both spaniels and destroyed the kitchen. Being very intelligent we managed to track down the “day care”. On our way there we were accused by a furious driver of stealing the dog as it dragged the Nipote through some railings…… mission eventually accomplished we got home and rang the owner to inform him of the happy outcome “Okaya , he is an intrepid fellow isn’t he?” he replied with a fake Sloane accent and put the receiver down, I bet he was an estate agent. This is all a mystery another one for coffee?????

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