The Nail File and the Band Aid, The Scolds Bridle and Fish Pooh.

If you are to practice “mindfulness” one of the criteria is that you should not indulge in vexatious gossip. Mind you there is gossip and … well … and gossip, even if it is largely affectionate, and anecdotal. I once made a resolution to say nothing about anybody , and people started to complain that I had become very dull and ask if I was unwell as I was not my usual fabulous amusing self, the toast of the whole of South London, and far beyond? So I decided that as long as it was of an entirely frivolous nature I must revert to my former keen sense of the ridiculous . Talking of which the “Sainted One” is a rich source of material for this , one such incident involved the inclusion of Caviar for a certain recipe . This was mentioned during one of the entirely male dominated meals here where conversations are reminiscent of school common rooms. Caviar was just “fish pooh” announced the S. O. I suggested he was entirely deficient in his knowledge of the reproductive organs of the sturgeon or in this case the simple cod. This of course then became a ferocious argument during the course of which I was forced to remind them all yet again that I was a fellow of “Arshole’s College Cockfosters.” When I visited his study later to watch mastermind, (which is an honour of which I am fully aware ) I could not answer any of the questions, guess who knew them all ?I noticed the beautiful home grown hyacinth I had put on his desk were propped up with a dirty nail file and a strip of band aid. Now that is what I call gossip!

Speaking of the above, certain matters are out of bounds eg the contents of peoples fridges and such like, purveyors into these kinds of intimate details should be sent pictures of “Scolds bridles”( not known about by one of the contestants on the aforesaid mastermind) because please note they were designed for women. I never heard of such a thing for a man … we have come a long way? Not sure… I guess there are many blokes out there who would go for them and perhaps the odd chastity belt, where the pooh must have come out like a forcing bag… talking of “fish pooh” etc … etc . Please note chastity belts are not available for men in any sizes “ period”!?

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