“One Door Closes, another Door Closes” and the Magnifying Mirror.

One door closes and another door closes is not a moi original, someone I admire very much said it to me today, I thought it illustrated perfectly the use of humour that is the emollient for daily life . I try to stand still but I cannot, that is not an option. I mean, that for some reason it all whirls on like a weird TV series, you would not believe for example a very important meeting is taking place in our house yesterday, when someone pointed to the window and announced the house across the road was on fire. It was, flames exploding the windows and black greasy clouds of smoke. The top two floors gutted in a few minutes. The fire service arrived in an instant , fire out, job done, the guy in the basement slept through it all, even when the fire man bashed down the door and went up with several hoses . The place is a wreck and the cause was a magnifying mirror on a table in the window reflecting the midday sun. Our meeting resumed when there was no sign of an ambulance !?!?. We were all remarkably cool I thought. I mentioned it to the Sainted One when he emerged from his man cave after our meeting was finished he replied with spontaneous insouciance “ yes I noticed that, when’s lunch?” This was predictably annoying . It put me in mind of the time when he rang me from Westminster whilst I was holding the fort in the constituency and I screamed that the house was on fire and the neighbours helping to evacuate the dogs etc, the fire crew interrupted the call, he did not ring back, it is what is called keeping cool yeh?

What a fantastic country we live in, people set fire to their rooms and it get dealt with, they are ill and by and large it gets dealt with, the list is endless, dustbins, buses, streets, effluent, heating, water, you name it we have it and who the heck delivers? Is it those idiots in parliament who fall for the same old trap, reality check please dodgy Chinese businessmen with loads of dosh and fake hairpieces with microphones concealed in their flies  has anyone noticed the footage is always shot from under a table … don’t these people wonder what they are doing down there ? It is unbelievable, The truth is, there is a vast army out there who are kind caring and conscientious. They are independent of Westminster, that is the beauty of it, the show just goes on. We have had a lot of them around in the last few weeks, every one of them smiling and they have moved mountains. My amazing courageous daughter has just had another serious operation and never complains, I see nothing but love surrounding her.

Beatrice one of my spaniels delivered me a present today, carefully laid on my pillow, an old leather belt she had dug up in the end of the garden, my cleaning assistant’s husband has turned his hand to wine making, we had some tonight. Sandy our fox has found a wife ….. I must remember to doll up the compost, some smoked salmon and peanut butter sandwiches to make sure their progeny do not grow up with nut allergy’s, I shall drop this into the household chatter, now that will get a reaction, very rewarding, lots of trumpeting and shouting, you see it is the small things which mean a lot  talking of which, we are about to watch the programme on the workings of parliament, believe me it is all SMOKE AND MIRRORS, and a lot of mice and leaking effluent and  suchlike, there are of course the token youthful blond hunks who think they can change the system; but they never will, it is just its own little self sufficient planet, outside just isn’t real, did the SO really spend twenty seven years in that place, it explains a lot?

Being Shafted, The Hole in the Road and Covent Garden Therupy.

Yesterday started badly! There are five files on my desk which have a red alert on them. One is a business transaction we are involved with, the success of which is essential. This kicked off again yesterday … negative information gloomy prognostications etc. This sent me into a spiral, then there are also a number of health issues around here, some of them are mine, but there is only one matron here and that is moi , so mine are kicked into the long grass. One of my ailments is Diputrens constricture of the finger .I have had two operations, neither of which has worked. Anyway, this also upset me yesterday. Plus there have been two horribly sad extended family bereavements in the last week ….there is much more of course . But things started to get better when I gathered my marbles along with the washing (in which I found my boiled pashmina) I realized the turd in the fruit salad of the business project had an agenda; basically it was to squeeze us off the map and then pick up the bits on the cheap. Of course! Why didn’t I get it? Problem vaguely under control. I set off to have lunch with one of the funniest women I know, on the top floor of Peter Jones, so everything was on the up. But nemesis was ready and waiting…… the man trap in the pavement issue came up! A collapsed service trap just outside our gate, a naked hole just big enough for a pair of legs which I encountered on my cheerful return.

Still suffering from an injury to my leg sustained on the door of the dish washer ( which they leave open to kill me) What happens. ? ??????? Several calls to the council later, nothing has been done we lined up the dustbins around it but this morning the “binpersons” got pissed off and threatened to issue us with a fine for obstructing the pavement. They then took offence and sorted through everyone’s rubbish, there are now some unmentionable objects laid out on the next door houses walls. I rang again about the hole after I had been to the surgery to have the leg dressed. The girl on the council emergency line  immediately gave me the email for compensation claims which she advised me to pass on the anyone else who was injured. In THE NEXT FEW DAYS!!!!!

The gaping crevasse is still there and someone went into it with a push chair . But I can cope with anything now after a supreme evening at the Ballet Onegin at Covent Garden the Sainted One is up there with the stars now. But why is it that people have to suck bottles of water all the time? My “Essex Woman” neighbour glugged away even at the moment when Lenski got shot. I commiserated with her loudly in the next interval via the S O, for having such a terrible medical condition, requiring a constant oral drip and explored with John whether there might be a better way of delivering it intravenously through a bag; he just looked away embarrassed , I think she heard because she put the bottle away.

The postman delivered a small parcel form the hand surgeon this morning containing a weird contraption, a horrible splint to straighten the finger. This finally made me cry, which I do very well, because even with the video explaining it, I could not get it on my finger.. There were four men eating breakfast here, they all heard the wailing along with my adorable cleaning assistant, which was good, because at least it shows they care. We finally worked it out … but it is not at all a good look, one of them suggested it could be used for something altogether different, that’s the one who looks like an Italian sculpture.

Morning Agro, Kindness, and Brain Implosion.

I wonder how many of you ladies out there will recognise this early morning exchange “Good Morning darling, here is your tea” to which the reply is “Do stop attacking me”. No prizes for getting the gender of the responder!!!! Best thing is not to speak at all really, but then you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So the best thing is to talk to yourself, I do that now and I find it most agreeable. I also reply to myself with compliments and helpful suggestions , I can also get angry and start hurling names at myself; the sainted one overheard one of these rants and took great offence and sulked for a while. Well there it is, he is very good at grocery shopping at the moment and has accumulated a group of helpful beauties in Sainsbury’s who accompany him and fill the trolley for him, he can be very charming …..?????

The good news is that owing to circumstances here we have had the most astonishing help from all sources, It makes me very emotional to think of the ubiquitous cocoon of love and support we have received, I am humbled by it and hope I have invested enough in my life to merit such a response to us all. Our local Church has bound together a network and altogether I think we live in a marvellous country. A great percentage of the dedication I have seen is given by people who were not born here and now contribute something so valuable , who so ever worries about immigration and such things should look more closely, at the demography of our country.

I got back into my book for two hours before yet another tidal wave approached, today I have opened the door again thanks to more smiley faces . But the brain is a strange organ, I have to banish all thoughts of a domestic nature and transport myself to 1740, it is cold about to snow again and the world outside Whitehall Palace has become silent, even the sound of carriage wheels is muffled, but the cries of a little page boy echo loud and clearly into the ritualistic dance macabre over which the King presides.

A Second Home in the China Sea, While the Cats Away….. and Casting a Light.

I sat next to a woman at dinner yesterday, who seemed a bit vacant, she had so many face lifts that she could not eat properly and spoke through clenched teeth in a transatlantic drawl; it was hard making conversation with her actually. Somehow in the list of questions I wheel out on these occasions, I tried the one about “so where did you say you live?” she said she lived in London and mentioned some other watering holes, and as an afterthought said she owned forty thousand square miles of the China Sea. I don’t know about you but I thought this was a tad on the vulgar side.Oddly I met another woman recently who also mentioned property in the China Sea; what’s with this China Sea thing, I must be missing out on something? I wonder if people like that really register ordinary people like moi ( I had just spent all my savings on having my hair done, an indicator of the impecunious state around here!!!) I mean what are they going to say to God when they arrive at the pearly gates … ..? Will he know that they own  thousands of square miles of the China Sea. I hope you like the juxta position. I tried a few of my long fancy words on the first specimen and also told her that I have met no less than two popes wearing my grandmothers veil, that she also wore to meet the pope. She was not impressed … … but she wasn’t to know it was all bollocks ……. if you go out you here a lot of that however it is true that I once fell over on a sharp surface and severed my ear which was resown quite beautifully by a young medical student . Last week I slipped on the ice and cracked a rib. Nobody round here seems to have taken this on board except for the fact they have to load their own stuff into the washing machine.

Sir Hartley Shagwell has just abducted Grace Lively from a musical soiree at St James Palace tomorrow, Sir Hartley is to face his comeuppance I have had to put the whole thing on hold as usual as the household dramas do not allow such luxuries as novel writing, even if it is basically accurate and actually very interesting eg nothing really changes does it?

The Sainted One has been away and I had planned a very lovely “Pink ticket weekend ” but this was not to be he had to come back a drama of unbelievable dimensions. Thank you God for the NHS it does produce the goods when the chips are down. I am going to scrub the kitchen floor rib of no rib, I had to cancel my wonderful lunch with my group of whacky women. It sucks actually.

A List Manners on the Bonkette .

It just so happened that I found myself sitting next to an “A List” political has been on a “bonkette” this week. The most famous literary agent in the world gave me lunch at a place where lots of politicos go with their secretary’s; I refer to the male ones of course. This particular one arrived before his date and placed himself firmly on the bonkette. A nice looking girl came soon after, he did not elevate himself upon her arrival and allowed her to sit with her back to the room while he sprawled opposite her. She was obviously a journalist and the literary agent and moi who are best friends strained to hear what they were saying. He did not rate us as worthy of any attention, and therefore was very indiscreet!! Bad calculation actually …. The man’s name begins with A and he is more than a little involved in some fall out from one of those awful scandals which regularly sweep the palace of Westminster. Apart from the fact that his story was supremely dull, we have heard it all before anyway, the real story for me was his disgusting manners, these did not improve as the lunch went on they explained a lot .