Menstruation Free Zones, If I Had a Hammer and Wasps in the Salad

Oh No … not on my white covers you don’t or in my spare beds or on my car seat, my dogs try it but they don’t know any better, I am talking about periods. I read some girl moron did a marathon with blood soaked pants and stains dripping down her legs , she was protesting that women should be proud of their menstruation and bleed without sanitary protection. Apparently she wore orange leggings but the blood showed through and ran onto her trainers. Some poor guy tapped her on the shoulder in a gentlemanly way; I don’t know what she did but I have a wild imagination and think she may have socked him with a soiled sanitary pad. This incident began a serious debate on the subject in the broad sheets and of course women’s “periodicals” . It is rumoured that the woman concerned was so alarmed by the response and becoming the heroine of the “eat your tampon society” that she declared it was a joke. Bring out the sick bucket I say , Lambeth once put a sign up saying “ this is a nuclear free zone”. They could issue a similar one … no spitting urinating or menstruating . Listen crazy woman, your address book will be empty if you go on like this, give us all a break and keep your period to yourself.

On the whole I lead a blameless life , but God doesn’t like me at the moment. I made lunch for someone I really needed to impress at the weekend and they found a wasp in their salad. It was horrible, I snatched the plate away and replaced it, with impeccable manners the guest ate it, but for me the show was over, I won’t be eating salad for a while. The guest asked me how I thought the wasp died? I looked at the blooming thing and really didn’t care. A friend of mine went to a cremation recently and the deceased had asked for “If I had a Hammer” to be played on an old cassette as the coffin went behind the curtain. The bloke had a grudge you see, that much was obvious. I bang on about these things but it is just to get away from the real narrative, but as they say it is a keen sense of the ridiculous which keeps one sane. The latter is seriously questionable.

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