Human Waste, Earwax, Nasal Hair , Bum Wipes.and Cosmo Landesman.

Yes the British are a filthy nation, I have lost a lot of weight recently, partly because we have recently sold our holiday home , we are in the process of emptying it of twenty-five years of clutter, otherwise known as “crap” . A crack team was assembled last week ruthless daughters, house clearance, other family members removal teams and the biggest car boot sale in history. It all want like clockwork , and most of it done while I was fretting about scruffy memorabilia. Even the “ poor “ as per Sound of Music “ did not want one hundred bags of it. Many “Gins “ later I am a new person deeply grateful to all of them released Cadis Fly. And my point is….? We did it all by the book, not a thing was dumped all of it went to the appropriate home or the appropriate recycle site. Oh yes in case you are worried……a a super Mary Poppins stood in in London where the Sainted One remained in Luxury during my absence he was very stressed when I returned owing to having to sort his sock drawer finding ten sad single socks. Nothing new there then.

I see on the Tele that our beloved land is just one huge rubbish tip miles of it, and recently I have seen a lot of truly disgusting things shamelessly conducted without a thought . The worst occasion took place at a rather posh old person’s funeral where their few surviving friends and relatives were assembled . They were all in the usual moth-eaten funeral clothes, the ubiquitous black fur hat like Grecian two Thousand “merkins”. The men with smelly navy coats the collars dappled in scurf, so much scurf that it fogged the air in a fine mist reminiscent of a very old black and white movie. However it was not sufficient to obscure the appalling horror in front of me, envision…. old man commences ear picking with forensic attention. He then extracts a large lump of ears wax. It balances on the tip of his finger as he considers it with great attention as if it we a good piece of Stilton” and guess what ????? he eats it!

I was so ill I and to leave at once and go back to London. I have not been at all well since this event. The next day I get a bus to Peter Jones “my second home” and a couple in front are happily achieving satisfaction , under their dirty anoraks. Mission accomplished the female ape decides to commence picking the male apes nasal hairs and flicking them over the back of their seat, and some of them landed on my new Russell and Bromley handbag. This was the climax !!! I protested audibly about the nostril hair as it clung to the black leather and refused to move …. The couple did not respond and alighted from the bus looking very pleased with themselves in a post coital bubble, the female ape turned momentarily and gave me a smug smirky kind of smile. I have not been able to eat since. READ Cosmo Landesman in this week’s Sunday Times. He has something worse to relate , bum scratching and fingering sausage rolls, I think , I could not read it all . I shared his very funny account and noted to read him next week.

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