Infomania, All mouth and no Trowsers, The Bees Knees,and the Magnun Wrapper.

Yes nothing is private anymore, I have a huge family and even the tiniest of barely audible farts goes viral , stories are polished and honed baring little resemblance to the actual event but admittedly are rather more sensational. They become set pieces and regrettably I feature in some of them never it seems in a very good way. For instance I was accused of saying that one of my most beautiful granddaughters looked like the Queen. I said no such thing but there are of course many people who do look like Her Majesty if “one” were like her aged ninety two it would be quite wonderful.

They all had the phones on under the table even one of the older guests was at it under the glorious damask cloth. This was a sixtieth birthday party for which one of the grandsons cooked all day but seriously they are a stunning lot and not one of them is the all mouth and no trousers brigade they are terribly modest and never bang on about their achievements that is why it is such a joy to be with them. I don’t do social events anymore I have had a basinful of old nostril hair and dreary tales of past successes and saggy”bottomed out” clothing.

But Moi is still good material in a sad sort of way, the Sainted One complains about the over organized running of the house so in a fit of unprecedented violence I threw the wrapper to a mini magnum ice cream at him. This caused serious injury and is recorded as evidence for the sensational divorce he is preparing, this is I am told going to boost the flagging sales of the less desirable Sunday papers. I think there is also a video of a moment I had in the bath being strangled by the bath mate which was supposed to facilitate the awful knee injury (soon to be replaced)…..the knee I mean… see what I am saying, even in the privacy of the bath nothing is sacred….. Yes and it has just been agreed that the SO should have scallops au Gratin on a bed of wilted spinach topped with light puree of potato for dinner! There is more to this of course

Living with Jeremy Corbyn would be harder, he really is a man I could not remain in the room with , it seems incredible that he has not delivered a vehement distance from the anti Semitism with which is name is forever associated . There is something really obscene about this.

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