Middle Class Knife Training for Toddlers, The Curse of the Crackly Snack Packet and The return of the “Upseat”.

..Sitting in the park this week an enchanting little boy called Jasper engaged me in conversation, he then pulled a knife on me , it was of course plastic a kind of flick knife of which he was very proud. He was four he told me, and his daddy had bought it for him that morning. The Mother looked mildly embarrassed and invited me to explain to Jasper… that knives were not a good thing, I ventured that he looked so grown up  thought he was six and when he did become six it was not cool to wield a  knife,. The father was lurking around resentfully , I asked the mum why on earth he would have given a child such a toy, “In desperation ” she said. They ambled off Jasper thrusting the knife purposefully at the odd duck . OMG . The so called middle classes should know better.

We went to see The Lion King , a beautiful film in which are many metaphors for life most of which were lost on the audience who stuffed their faces throughout with the contents a loudly crackling bags their open mouths working like cement mixers chewing loudly with what was left of their rotting teeth. The so called parents engaged with their phones secreted between their knees with a queer sort of light.   Really what on earth is going on?

“Manspread” has become a feature now they all do it, that and leaving the lavatory seat up. Why is this ?Even very old men do it i,t some sort of statement , Bollocks perhaps?





Three Things That Changed the World Bad Teeth Opium and The Diplomatic Leek.

The Roman Army marched on it’s stomach ,  the introduction of stone ground flour finished them off … bits of stone broke off and when consumed broke their teeth , the results were catastrophic .

The  Russian Royal family came to stay with Queen Victoria  at Osborne as way of a rapprochement for a family feud. Things did not go well Alexander developed a sceptic Dental abscess. He could not take the Salute for a naval  flotilla on the Isle of Wight . Her Majesty, who stoically bore a prolapsed womb for most of her life ( hence voluminous blackirts) had never heard of such sissy behaviour . The quarrel resumed and bore hideous consequence . Years later the Russian Royal family waited to be rescued at Ark Angel on the Baltic Coast in vain, and were eventual y shot . I know this because a viewed a book created from the diary’s of Queen Victoria’s physician ” Ask Sir James”  grown up readers only, steamy reading actually. eras later one of the mysterious remains of the Imperial Family had some fabulous dental  work made by the court Jeweller  Faberge . I know this because I read Times for too long actually and it is ruining my life.

Now to Leekgate It is hardly credible that the  British Ambassador in Washington resigned Because Boris failed to be drawn on the issue. Why so the man isn’t Prime Minister yet this was a TV show wasn’t it? Then they are all getting terribly ” Girls Blouse ” and really Boris pull yourself together why are you are grovelling and stuttering regrets …… stick to your guns … we look for more in a PM (Never Complain Never Explain)… that would work wouldn’t it? He should keep his mouth shut a bit… as for the other one Jeremy H I, have met ones like that very goodie goodie …. I wonder if the man has seen some sort of “light” very wide eye.I once had to deal with a very smug school master who looked just like him and talked like him he used the word courage frequently the child in question had that in abundance they just got found out that was all. And don’t be fooled Boris is not as dumb as he seems.  He needs to get the theatricals under control or we are doomed To Corbingedden.


Angels, Salisbury, and What Lies between us and Jeremy Corbyn.

I went to stay with some Angels in Salisbury, coming back on the train I met another one . We got to talking and she shone a light on something very fundamental ….. I gave her my number and she promised to text me with the contact details of another angel who could “change the perception of a situation which was darkly unconscionable. She sent me the number, I I grasped the straw, OMG its like coming back from drowning.  Follow closely when the time is right I will share it , but these angels are very busy and they walk very fast , so be on the lookout don’t miss them what ever you do because as say old Chinese proverb say ” chance comes but only to the prepared mind”.

So what stands between us and Jeremy Corbyn, it is of course the big B. A barrister friend of mine came out with something  uncharacteristically frank the other day something he had heard … ” a standing C….has no honour”  well it is a bit testosterone filled mouth and trousers in the corridors of power isn’t it ? However I always thought it was a crime to record people with out their permission . Somebody did it to me once , a marital row actually , seriously the Big B needs a happy ending and keeping his clothes well buttoned would be good , and for Heavens sake don’t have Tracy Emins bed in the back of your car, that is dynamite, a health risk but I suspect the revolting Corbyn is worse what with entire Zoos floundering about in his beard and all OMG what a way to die  suffocating in that beard and not just the hair thing also he hideous rubbish that comes out of the mouth. Got to go and floss my suffices now This is a nasal hair free zone.

Shitty Nappy Sandwich,scandal of the Foot Spur, and Is this The Fifth Column?

Sitting in the restaurant in the park last weekend a man at the next table  got his baby out of “its” pram gave its bottom a quick sniff and promptly laid it on the near us and proceeded to change the dirty nappy  nappy. The father was a big fellow  and I did not engage in a scene myself I pointed this out to a young waitress who came back with the manager who agreed that this was not acceptable. The offender had just  the baby’s clothes back on put the dirty shepherds pie nappy in a bag and then wiped his hands on a paper napkin he left on the ta.ble. I explained to the very harassed manager that he should lose his catering licence for such a flagrant breach of health and safety… a rather feeble warning was delivered to the very unapologetic father who protested  it was his child’s right to be made comfortable and that no actual shit was smeared on the table. moi demanded a swat team to come and sterilise the table. It was all rather  depressing really I thought of all the door handles chairs and crockery which were now breeding faecal bacteria. No shepherds pie for me for a bit, Funny thing was that the man seemed to think this normal and his partner equally insouciant , I dread to think what their domestic and lavatory routines are at home.

Meanwhile my hygiene fetish continues undaunted. I have just had an operation on my foot and therefor the eighty nine year old cradle snatcher could not remain unsupervised in this very complex establishment . This was considered to be a very dark plot carried to extremes to empty the house in order to pursue the frightful drunken debauchery that is likely to occur here without a party pooper in a recliner chair……. it is probably the smell of bonfires that sometimes wafts up from the basement. plus all the ribald laughter etc Visual proof was demanded for his family that they were not being used for two days. I tell you even I would not go that far because I am a jolly decent person , I think it says a lot for my cooking … that was the real reason wasn’t it? but one does have rights you know. Yep it is definitely fifth column and isn’t it illegal to record people without there permission ????  Best of luck then and now you can get a gin and tonic in a tin… makes all the difference .

Stuff the internet

Same partner for forty years, same house for twenty five years, same adorable household assistant for twenty years, same pictures on the wall, same clocks that synchronise  on the hour  same dogs snoring for all my life ….as well as  sixteen and a half persons with all my inherited foibles, fury and fearless frenzy. And yet  reputation thank God would have it otherwise….., thank heavens for thatMarcus Aurelius, whom one should read a little each day tells us “All things must bow to natures law” the trouble starts when people do not.

A friend of mine made a casual enquiry about moi to some sort of feckless  ageing  sloane the other day the reply was a dark meaningful look that she knew all about Vanessa… bugger off I say she knows nothing about me at all, mostly how many pairs of knickers I have washed in my life , or how many meals i have cooked , that my dad invented ground to air radio , that my mother lived in a permanent alcoholic blur, but actually was probably a wonderful friend but a totally shit mother ….that I went to  school courtesy of the RAF benevolent fund, to which I was invited to speak as their most celebrated pupil ” I joke” but it was shut down days before said event.  Oh and that my grandfather bred the most beautiful little  horse of all time …in West Texas a long time a go.  but….. Moi? nah… Mind you I  read one my first novels the other day  … it was about parliamentary life OMG it was so blooming accurate twenty five years later.   One of he reviewers claimed the man was such a such self centred bastard that he didn’t deserve the nice ending he got….. “you know who” still has no clue about the characters and does not identify with them   Its Called Division Belle and I regret writing the awful sex scene, same reviewer” :sex is not Hannam’s metier”. I rest my case depends, on what she means by the latter.Was then lady, was then .